Trying to Navigate

Before you get too excited, I should let you know that I WAS pregnant, but am no longer.

Just typing those words are so raw. There is really nothing quite like investing your heart and soul into a new, sweet life, then having it ripped from your hands just days later. 

I want to document this time in my life so I can look back and say "wow, girl, you are one tough cookie. You can do anything." This is my second chemical pregnancy (very early miscarriage) within 5 months. Although I do not have the answers or the medical reasoning as to why this is happening, I do have a sweet, inner peace that is leading me to betterment and fulfillment.

After having Jane, Michael and I decided we really did yearn for a large family. We knew Jane would be a great big sister and having a loud, full, happy home was something we welcomed. Looking back on the day I found out I was pregnant with Jane, I get angry with myself. I thought "wow, pregnant on my wedding night? I must be super fertile." Sometimes talking with girlfriends/family etc, I would say things like "we got pregnant super easy, so we will probably plan for baby #2 for May/June 2016." Hahaha. Oh how naive I was to think that something so divine as human life could just be penciled in my agenda. More importantly, to disassociate human life from God was as sinful as sinful comes.

The Lord opens and closes the womb as He sees fit. For me to completely minimize his role in my life and my future children's life was shameful. But like all things, experience breeds growth. The Lord has taught me a great lesson in all of this. My life is not my life. It is a life that I gave to Him. It is a life that should surrender every desire to Him. My desire for another child should have originally been given to Him, not time-stamped and put in the "to-do" folder on my desk. 

I say these things now, one week after my second miscarriage, with a surprisingly strong sense of self. I am amazed that in one week I have learned so many important lessons in life. I am thankful to be going through this. I am thankful the Lord treasures our relationship so much that He is using me as a tool to help others with fertility issues.  I am amazed at how open and vulnerable I have become. 

But the most important thing I have noticed in these SERIOUSLY trying times is how much closer, stronger, better and happier my little family unit of three has become. Only 7 days later and I see a bond between Michael and I that wasn't there before. I see the patience I have for Jane grow exponentially. I see myself putting my phone down for more than 20 minutes at a time and being more present in every moment. I see myself being kinder to others. 

Rereading those discoveries I realized that I might sound like super into myself. The opposite is true. I am humbled and bare. I have been stripped down to the core of humility. It feels so freeing and good to type this blog post and not feel self-conscious of what others may think. I hope whomever reads this will see my season of suffering and relate it to their own. To lean on the Lord for that is what He desires from us. 

In summation, my life as it is currently is complete and whole. Having another child would be a great blessing, but my family of three is a complete puzzle.  If the Lord decides to open my womb again for a baby, then Michael and I will be standing there with arms wide open (and of course I would probably faint from joy). Until then, I plan on investing my love and my thoughts on my people in the here and now. The ones that are beside me smiling and wanting cuddles and to play. 

I am SOOOOOOOOOO BLESSED.

My heart is happy & full.

Thank you so much for reading this.

And to my children who might be reading this one day: You were and are more wanted than anything in the world. Like the stars in the sky, I look to you and see light and beauty and wonder. Dad and I will do anything for you. Remember that.